Things Commander Shepard is not allowed to do pt1

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  1. For the purposes of Official Alliance documentation, all service members are either “male” or “female,” not “other.” You are not an Asari. 
  2. Errors in the Alliance’s documentation system are not an opportunity to falsify pre-service history and official service record, nor creatively edit psychological profiles. You are also not allowed to make up a “cool” first name.  
  3. You do not want to keep the Captain waiting. 
  4. Do not fire weapons while on the Normandy. 
  5. Indigenous wildlife are not for target practice. 
  6. Neither are your crew.
  7. Corporal Jenkins’ first name was not Leroy. That joke is old. 
  8. Do not take your helmet off in combat zones, no matter how much better you think you look talking to people while not wearing one. 
  9. Those things are called “husks,” not “zombies.”
  10. Shouting is not a valid form of evidence. 
  11. I will be a specter, whether I like it or not. Refusal is not an option.
  12. Do not disturb the keepers.
  13. When not engaged in battle, weapons are to be safely holstered. Carrying weapons at the ready and especially firing those weapons in shops, clubs, embassies, casinos, Citadel Security headquarters, medical clinics, and on Alliance Vessels tends to freak people out. 
  14. Hannar are not “big stupid jellyfish.”
  15. Shooting people isn’t always the answer. 
  16. Neither is having threesomes. Stop suggesting that.
  17. No messing around with the Asari Consort while the crew is present. 
  18. Unless necessary for the completion of a mission, do not hang around in bars while on duty. 
  19. Do not stare at the Asari Dancers while the crew is present.
  20. Do not buy dances while the crew is present.
  21. Lieutenant Alenko understands women well enough. He does not need you to “help” by buying him dances. 
  22. No taking bribes to plant bugs for reporters, help develop devices to cheat at gambling, or consolidate power for crime syndicates. 
  23. Punching reporters is not a valid answer to difficult interview questions, regardless of their (adjective noun.)  
  24. The Salarian Councilor has a name, which is not “The Salarian Councilor.” The same goes for the Asari and Turian councilors. 
  25. It is not acceptable to bring more than two people along on missions, not matter how much more ass would be kicked if the whole team all fought together. The rest must remain on the Normandy. Because.
  26. Do not hide Lieutenant Alenko’s pain meds.
  27. Lieutenant Alenko’s biotics are not to be exploited as a means of retrieving items within easy reach, rather than getting them oneself. Walk across the room and pick up the remote instead of bothering the LT. 
  28. Lieutenant Alenko is not, in fact, a Jedi. When directing him to utilize his biotic abilities in combat, telling him to “Use the force” is not a valid order.
  29. Don’t forget to leave yourself a way out. ...Whatever that means. 
  30. Do not order Chief Williams to kiss turians.  
  31. Chief Williams’ fondness for poetry in no way impedes her ability to drill people between the eyes. Do not forget this. 
  32. Chief Williams is not interested in reading the bad poetry written by the crew in their angst-filled teenage years.
  33. The crew would also prefer that you stop digging their middle-school English assignments in order to find said poetry.  
  34. No, Garrus Vakarian will not read the entire telephone listings of the Citadel to you.
  35. Do not tell Wrex that anything compares to the genophage. 
  36. Do not challenge Wrex to arm wrestling matches. 
  37. Do not tell Wrex that Garrus is looking at him funny. 
  38. Do not ask Wrex about rumors as to the nature of male Krogan anatomy. 
  39. No instigating crew fights in elevators. 
  40. Do not create awkward love triangles. 
  41. Definitely do not do the above and then ask other people what “team” they’re on.
  42. Quoting Zaphod Beeblebrox saying “In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking this ship with me. Whoo!” is not an acceptable ‘Stealing the Normandy’ speech. 
  43. Do not go snooping in Lieutenant Alenko's browsing history, no matter what comments he makes about extranet fetish sites involving Asari in pinstripe suits that you find suspicious
  44. If you don't know the proper authorization codes to give an order, that means that you aren't authorized to give that order. VIs will not be fooled by mumbled nonsense in place of a proper code. 
  45. It is not necessary to hum the theme from Indiana Jones whenever exploring ruins. 
  46. Stop destroying ancient Prothean ruins. 
  47. It is not necessary to actually sing when trying to communicate with the Rachni Queen. 
  48. Genocide is not an appropriate means of conflict resolution. 
  49. You are not to execute sentient beings for crimes they did not themselves commit. 
  50. “He was being really annoying” is not a good excuse to shoot middle-managers in the face. 
  51. Driving the Mako is a privilege, not a right. 
  52. Do not hang up on the Citadel Council. And especially do not call the Council just to hang up on them.
  53. Mutiny is not an acceptable response to disagreements with orders.
  54. Neither is punching ambassadors. 
  55. Also, don’t steal the Normandy or any other Alliance vessel again.
  56. Regulations are, in fact, actual rules rather than just guidelines that can be ignored. 
  57. That goes for fraternization regs as well.  
  58. Reapers are not to be referred to as “party temples.”
  59. The options for the next human counselor are Captain Anderson and Ambassador Udina only.
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Dragonwyrd316's avatar
Just came across this... would love to do (or see) little drabbles for each one.  I think they'd be just as hilarious as the list itself.